I Tried All The Things The Internet Hates That People Do To Pizza

I Tried All The Things The Internet Hates That People Do To Pizza

Pizza makes people feel things. Something about that intoxicating combination of cheese, sauce, crust, and toppings elicits a kind of devotion that surpasses how we normally feel about our foodstuffs. It's much closer to how we feel about pets, babies, or three-day-weekends. They are all precious, and must be protected at all costs.

That is the only reason we can imagine why the internet has so recently been up in arms about perceived crimes committed against pizza, from topping it with pineapple to carrying it the wrong way. Apparently, nothing brings strangers together (or rips them apart) quite like pizza preferences.

But how bad can these sins possibly be? I set out with a pie of my very own to find out. From marshmallows to milk, I tried them all. (Well, except for peas and mayo, because there has to be a line drawn somewhere.)

Ahead, the good, the bad, and the ugly when the Internet's least-favorite pizza trends are put to the test. Images may be disturbing to some (who believe pineapple belongs nowhere near Italian food).

The Crime: Pineapple On Pizza

Pineapple on pizza has been around for a long time, but, for whatever reason, pizza lovers have only recently been mobilized to fight the trend of hot, sweet fruit atop their pies. Perhaps it all began back in February, when the president of Iceland (jokingly) called for a nation-wide ban. Now everyone from Gordon Ramsay to Alton Brown to Chrissy Teigen has weighed in.

But despite vocal opposition, according to one poll, pineapple pizza lovers may actually be in the majority, at least in the U.S.

I Tried All The Things The Internet Hates That People Do To Pizza

It's not as if we live in a world where sweet and savory are never together on one plate. After all, mango salsa, spicy chocolate, and chicken and waffles are all beloved foods that don't raise the ire of masses of Twitter users. And, after one bite (and then another, and another) of pineapple pizza, I still didn't understand the drama.

I have had Hawaiian pizza before, probably at a birthday party at a roller rink at elementary school, and it felt very sophisticated. Now, however, it just seems kind of pointless. It wasn't the worst thing ever, but it didn't add a ton to the pizza experience, either. It was just kind of there. In an increasingly divided world, this is one thing where the opposite side literally isn't hurting anyone else, so let's let the pineapple pizza lovers have their fruit-topped slices in peace, and we can all sing "Kumbaya," and fight about the things that really matter (like how barbecue sauce does not belong on pizza, ever).

The Crime: Dipping Pizza In Milk

Back in March, a woman went viral on Twitter for posting a picture of pizza dipped in milk, and declaring it "WAYYY better than pineapple pizza." Whether or not she was being sarcastic is up for debate, but the sheer horror of the act is enough to send shivers down anyone's spine, regardless.

I Tried All The Things The Internet Hates That People Do To Pizza

Why is pizza in milk so wrong? What makes only certain foods delicious dipped in the chilled liquid of our childhoods? We cannot pretend to know the deep, secret inner workings of the universe.

But truths are so fundamental that the "why" becomes meaningless. You don't need to know why the sun rises in the east to know it would be wrong if one day, it rose in the west. Similarly, it is a universal truth that pizza probably doesn't need to be dipped in milk. While I didn't need a taste-test to prove it, I nevertheless did.

Shockingly, it wasn't as bad as you might think, in that I could both chew, swallow, and keep down the concoction. The pizza overpowered the milk, and neither the cheese side nor the well-done, crispy crust side of these slice could absorb much liquid. The vague milk flavor was there, but it was mostly just a slightly soggy pizza.

While the concept turned out to be more repugnant than the actual taste, I still see absolutely no point in ever doing this, unless, as a child, you really liked it when adults made you down a tall glass of milk with take-out pizza. In which case (and I am absolutely shuddering in horror as I type this), you might do better to just take big sips of milk after you bite the pizza. That way, you can truly get the intermingling of the two tastes together. Just do it far, far away from me.

Photo: Courtesy of Marshall Bright.

The Crime: Peeps On Pizza

Another thing a Twitter user felt moved to declare "better than pineapple on pizza," was, in honor of Easter, Peeps. As in the marshmallow birds. As in, no thank you.

The photo in question actually dates from a 2010 Serious Eats post, but it apparently took seven years for the internet-related pizza dialogue to catch up and marvel at its horror.

I Tried All The Things The Internet Hates That People Do To Pizza

Submitted for your approval: marshmallows on pizza is way, way worse than dunking a slice in milk.

There is salty-sweet, then there is eating a literal cloud of sugar melting atop a pile of melted cheese. If a picture is worth a thousand words, please let my look of extreme discomfort be the novella on what the outwards limits of tolerable food is. Listen, I've eaten some weird stuff in the line of duty and just for fun, including dried crickets, and Kylie Jenner's recipes, and this is the worst thing I've ever eaten. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Photo: Courtesy of Marshall Bright.

The Crime: Carrying Pizza Sideways

When do you destroy pizza? Is it when you top it with pineapple, or marshmallows? Is it when you dip it in milk? Or is it when you carry it, sideways, sending the entire pie careening towards the ground? Pizza may be perfect, but it is not immune to gravity.

I Tried All The Things The Internet Hates That People Do To Pizza

Shockingly, everything was mostly fine. Now, had the pizza been fresher, it would have been a (literal) hot mess. Instead, the room temperature leftovers of this depraved experiment were mostly fine when taken for a spin around the block like this. And it was a pretty comfortable way to carry it! Pizza isn't heavy, but it is cumbersome — you have to hold it with one arm, which is tiring, or two arms, which makes it hard to do things like open doors, answer phone calls, or high-five passers-by.

Now, to be fair, we have no idea how fresh the pizza was in the original offending social media post. If it was hot, it probably was a mess when the carrier returned home. But if it was day-old pizza that had some time to harden in the fridge, the person got where they were going a lot easier than the rest of us would carrying two boxes of pizza around.

While the level of "will never do ago" varies for the rest of these experiments (pineapple pizza I would indulge in if it was free, for example), this is the only thing I actually might do again of my own volition.

And who knows, maybe there's room for another shot of a sideways pizza carrier to go viral. After all, Twitter never seems to tire of go after pizza crimes.

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Tags: Fashion, Music, Alton Brown, Gordon Ramsay, Kylie Jenner, Chrissy Teigen, Iceland, Kumbaya

Source:  http://www.refinery29.com/2017/05/155078/gross-pizza-trends-review?utm_source=feed&utm_medium=rss